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Saturday, January 1, 2011

If I weren't a realist (to be sung to the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man"

If I weren't a realist

If I weren't a realist, these would be my resolutions for 2011:

(First of all, the whole "sung to the tune of" thing won't work but if I weren't a realist, it would.)

1. I will never complain on Boniva days.

2. I will stop every morning at 11:11, beginning today: 1.1.11, and write a thoughtful email to my daughters and my brother, my sisters- and parents-in law.

3. I will not waste even one minute listening to television that I don't really want to hear: no commercials, no second hour of the same news broadcast, no fourteen times listening to the same inane local sports recap of 2010. The mute button works just fine. (As does the 'off' one.)

4. I will forget that Suzy Q's exist.

5. I will hang up my jeans every night.

6. I will organize all 42,363 photos in my collection, including scanning all of the old prints that are worth keeping into the carefully organized digital collection, and I will complete the all of the girls' scrapbooks.

7. I will never ever ever put the car in reverse until the little blue light goes off, no matter if it takes ten minutes and it's 60 degrees outside and I'm late, again.

8. I will always get a haircut within two days of the appropriate time.

9. I will clean up the dog poop in the yard every day and I will watch with joy and patience as the dog eats (the phase before the poop) because Daisy just needs to be watched as she eats her food. Don't you?

10. I will never leave washed laundry in the washing machine so long that it really needs to go through another quick cycle just to be wet enough to be dried.

11. I will not use my mini-trampoline as a shelf for stuff I don't want to put away.

12. I will send fun, thoughtful cards via snail mail, with hand-written letters inside, to all of my family and friends in advance of their birthdays.

13. I will watch the Netflix movies within a month of their arrival.

14. I will not use the upstairs stair rails or banisters as semi-permanent storage for my hoodies, sweaters, scarves, and the occasional pair of pants.

15. I will give up watching Two and A Half Men, my comedy hour, even though it is very well-written, which is to say, hilarious, because Charlie Sheen is scum.

16. I will not fall asleep while watching the Rose Bowl Parade because it is un-American. (But do I have to listen? Can I just watch while listening to music? And do I have to actually watch, or can I have it on and be reading at the same time?)

17. I will not speed, and specifically, I will not drive 90 mph on the tollway to the airport even though I'm the only car on the road.

18. I will not make fun of ducks.

19. I will use capers in gourmet menu items at least once a week.

20. I will not be ashamed of occasionally putting a Carpenter's CD in the car and going for a drive through the foothills and singing along, loud.

If I do ANY of these things in 2011, you will be the first to know.

What are your resolutions? Realistic or otherwise? I'm dying to hear! So is everyone else who reads this. Go for it. We're all eyes.

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