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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I see an Everlast punching bag in my future

You have to pay extra at my gym to use the boxing equipment. Who cares?

I need to punch something. Soon.

My therapist saw the homicidal glint in my eye this afternoon and asked if I had an outlet for my anger. "Oh yeah," I said. "I have an outlet in mind."
We then had our regular conversation about how I know better than I even want to that vengeance is not mine. Even though my regular prayer is, "Send me, Lord, send me."

When great evil has occurred, when you have been the victim of a great and diabolical evil, a pathologically evil event, ongoing anger can be a problem.

It has, in fact, been quite a while since I've been so angry, so clear about the behaviors that were aimed at me, determined to inflict great harm. And I am raging furious.

So yes, there is a punching bag in my future. Otherwise...

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. There is a bowl of ashes I would so like to hold in my,hand. After being marked with the cross of Christ on my forehead with the sooty sign of grace, there are some other people I would love to mark as deeply and as darkly as I could. Big dusty signs of sin - before grace - and oh, how I would love to make those marks myself. "Dust you are and to dust you will return."

Of course, this is the thing. If it is a sign of grace for me, then of course it is a sign of grace for all. Sociopaths, mean bullies, terrible terrible behaviors, abuse, attack, harassment, can imagine how infuriating this can be. My consolation is that, if they are in touch with their consciences, even occasionally, they have themselves to live with. That is their hell. My other consolation, oddly enough, is that grace is sufficient for them too. Do I think in my human animal brain they deserve grace? No. Does my heart warmed by God's grace think they need and should receive grace, yes. (If not for their sake then for the rest of us. We can hope: Grace will warm them too.)

Go get smudged. It's a good reminder that we all need mercy.

And, if you would, help me imagine my adversaries with ugly dark marks messing up their pristine well-groomed visages. It will sate some of the anger.

Meanwhile, there is a punching bag with a certain few names on it. Boom!

I'll calm down tomorrow.

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