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Sunday, May 20, 2012

"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world"

Trees of green, skies of blue

And that is only the beginning.


Walking into our funky untraditional church holding hands, a minute late because of the spectacular tennis match we had to finish watching first.
"Jesus prays for us."
Realizing how far I've come, through hellfire and damnation and I'm still here.
A survivor. Thriving (some days).
But not overcome with bitterness or hate. I may have got angry and I still fantasize the best pranks on the planet but I don't hate and I'm not preoccupied with evildoers.
I'm recovering from the trauma.
Still a bit perplexed at the power of evil unleashed in this world but not beholden to it.

Plus, an amazing partner who stood by me through ten years of hell and fear and threat.
He didn't have to have stayed. Most partners don't, I've learned. Most marriages break up.
And two daughters who, despite it all, are healthy and whole.
I have not become an addict --- also an exponential likelihood for folks like me.
I love to watch too much tennis and I don't exercise enough but that is fixable.

Besides all this, I have a closet full of clothes I love to wear.
And earrings and jewelry I like.
I like my hair.
I look better than I have in years.
I have a beautiful home to be steward of and share with whomever will come over.
I have books and books and books to stretch and tickle my mind.
I have a computer that works. And I know something of how to use my iPhone.
My world is full of gorgeous music all the time.
Our yard looks wonderful and gives us something to tend and nurture.
I have a piece of Polish china that thrills me more than it should.
I saw a moose --- three, in fact --- the other day.
I have a car that I love and loves me back as it takes me on terrific adventures.
I have a piano with almost all of the notes that play just fine.
And, as of today, I even have a leaf-blower, the sign of being a true grown-up.

I have an extended family, brother, sisters, in-laws that love me for who I am.
I have a community that is fragile but fresh and inspiring.

I am learning a completely new skill at this advanced stage of life and doing not half bad.
I have something meaningful to do with my time and skill and imagination.
I have time.
I have laughter.
I have lots of love in my life.

I could go on and on and that alone is something to say "Yay!" about.
But most of all is this, I have a grateful spirit.
Today. And hopefully, tomorrow.

I am a blessed woman, so very lucky, fortunate.
That is what fills my mind and my heart today.

It's not all perfect. It never will be. Like an amputee, I lost something important. But like a survivor, I am learning how to live without what is gone and to be joyful about what is here. I am learning how to cope with nightmares, panic attacks, memory loss. I am learning that I may be traumatized but I am also strong enough to manage it, if not immediately, then ultimately.

Jesus prays for me. I like that. He prays that I not succumb to hatred and a hard heart. He prays that I not return evil for evil. He prays that I have courage and kindness and peace. And he prays that I will be free. Free indeed.

I find Jesus' prayer taking shape within me, every day, up and down, over and out, around and around. But some way or another, Jesus' is still taking shape within me.

And for that, most of all, I am very very grateful.

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